Turks have some quirky mannerisms that are not instantly noticeable to holiday-makers. Certain rituals happen daily and unless you are aware of them or ask questions, these rituals can go unnoticed.
One of them is terms of endearment. Turks use them all the time depending on your relationship with them or your social status.
Sometimes though, translation can cause confusion
For example, two male Turkish friends with a close bond will often refer to each other as “Kardesim,” which means my brother. In 2001, I dated a Turkish man for the first time and had to wonder if he was a habitual liar because according to his stories, he had more than 30 brothers.
When I was on the verge of dumping him and suggesting he should visit a psychologist, it was explained to me, there does not have to be a blood connection for two men to call each other “brother.”
Other labels include “Teyze” which means “mother’s sister” but Turks also use it, as a mark of respect, when addressing an elder woman that is not related to them.
Likewise for “Abla” that means elder sister. There does not have to be a blood connection there, just respect.
Now I never had a problem with this social labelling. It can be useful if you have drunk copious amounts of booze and have either forgotten or can’t pronounce people’s names. After all, when you are drinking alcohol, everyone becomes your “Arkadasim” (friend).
The Meaning and Translation of Yenge
One term of endearment that grates on my nerves though, is the word “Yenge.” Used by men, when they are talking to or about the wives of their close male friends or relations, I suppose the closest translation is “sister-in-law.”
I was first addressed as “Yenge” when I got engaged to my Turkish ex-husband. It actually gave me a buzz then. It meant he loved me enough to put a ring on it, and I was happy to be his bride.
About one week, into the marriage, it started annoying me. About one year into the marriage, it extremely pissed me off.
Now it is important for foreigners to know that it is actually a mark of respect.
However to me, the word “Yenge” combined with the fact, that I couldn’t even fart in public without him knowing about it, just turned this mark of respect into a virtual prison. That and along with other issues, made me feel like his property.
Anyway for seven years, I kept my mouth shut, smiled grimly when called by this status and expressed great delight, when someone used my actual name.
However, it transpired that within a marriage, keeping your mouth shut about your personal opinions is not healthy for the mind or soul. As I trotted to the divorce court, while high on Xanax and booze, I looked on the bright side of life. At least, people would no longer call me “Yenge.”
After all, I assumed that if a judge says the marriage is dissolved by law, then according to society, I am no longer anyone’s “Yenge.” I could return back to being Natalie.
Apparently I was assuming too much. It had always struck me as odd, that none of his friends mentioned the divorce. Once again, I assumed it was so it could be a quiet dignified affair and I appreciated this. However, nearly one year later, they are still calling me YENGE!
My reaction is now better than it used to be. Six months ago, while I was in a restaurant, someone said “hello yenge” and my friend thought I was going to stick a fork in his eye. She assured me that my response had made my point crystal-clear. It didn’t. Three weeks later, the same man called me YENGE!
Just last week, I was called Yenge by another friend of the ex. Now you may wonder why I am letting this annoy me but I ask you to consider the social implications of this term of endearment.
A few weeks ago, I was chatting to an acquaintance in the street. I really like his friend. He is hot, sexy and just my type. I was trying to find out more about this friend, but then one of my ex-husband’s friends walks by and calls me YENGE! Conversation finished.
Now this has happened more than once. Potential suitors just disappear into a black hole, never to be seen again.
Do you understand my point of view?
I am not looking for my soul-mate to instantly appear but would like to be wined and dined, at least once a century.
I have shouted, screamed and politely requested to every guilty culprit that they don’t use this label but I have made no advancement.
So what are my options?
- Leave town but I don’t want to
- Resort to violence but this carries a risk of being arrested
- When people call me “yenge,” stick my palm in their face and tell them to talk to that
- Learn to put up a brick wall and not let it define me. This is Turkey but I should be confident in my own identity, to not let this bother me.
- Wait 20 years for everyone to move on and stop living in the past.
- Start making voodoo dolls for revenge
That is unless any reader with an intimate knowledge of this term of endearment can shed light on what to do.
I have learned one important lesson out of all this though. In all my rants about the importance of cultures, a man once said to me, that cultural traditions sometimes cause more problems than good. I now fully understand what he meant.
Humera Khan says
atBeing from a non Turkish Muslim culture there are similarities across all our cultures. Saying ‘I love you’ in the contemporary sense is in itself also quite new to Western cultures. In the past love was less rooted in the self obsessive sense that is expected today. We never grew up with our parents saying ‘I love you’ but we knew that they did because it was expressed. We never felt we were missing out on anything until popular culture told us we were. As we see increasingly in the breakdown of relationships and high divorce rate across the world telling someone you love them doesn’t necessarily mean that they do.
I don’t expect my husband to tell me he loves me all day long but he shows it to me in lots of different ways and I have learnt that this is as powerful as saying the words.
Helene says
atI think you are being overdramatic. I sometimes watch Turkish TV series and they use ‘yenge’ and ‘kardesh’ and ‘abla’ all the time, it’s just a mark of respect. I live in the UK and am constantly harassed by men (the non dateable variety, i.e. company directors in their 50’s onwards, unattractive, with alcohol and depression problems…). It would be nice if some of them could consider me as an ‘yenge’. I dislike being called by my first name, I find it infantilising. Quite a lot of that going on in British companies, what with micromanagement, having to account for your time every single minute of the workday, having to do facetime, justify why you want to take a day off etc.
I do find pet names a bit annoying at times, depending on the circumstances. When I was at uni, one of my professors, married with kids, was a sex pest. He tried to have an affair with me, and would constantly use pet names when addressing me, and make comparisons like ‘I am going to tame you’. On the other hand, when I had cats, I often used names like ‘baby’ when talking to them, and I didn’t mean it in a bad way: they were both proficient hunters, and one of them was the bully of the neighbourhood, constantly in and out of fights!
Muslim men will often address a non related woman as a ‘sister’ or an ‘aunt’, If you are non Muslim, and they call you this, it is really a big mark of respect. Many years back, I worked with Northern African men, and some of them could be very unrespectful as I am single and for them it meant I was ‘easy’. One day, I was having a lot of problems with a new joiner and one of my colleagues jumped to the rescue: ‘Ahmed, you mustn’t talk to Helene like this! She isn’t a whore, she is a lady!’ Thank you Brahim…
Müge says
atI think you get word ‘yenge’ wrong.I’m turkish and when they call you yenge that doesn’t mean you are property. When your boyfriends friend call you yenge that means he is seeing you as friend not girlfriend or flirt or something else.there is same using in the girls too. Girls call girls boyfriend eni?te it means you are just my friends boyfriend so we won’t be together only can be friends not any further. Sorry for English ? don’t know if ? could explain myself but ? just tried to explain using of this word is not actually like you write about.
Nat says
atVrushika – great mind think alike!
Vrushika says
atTrust me I know how it feels.I am an Indian and I used to date a Turkish guy.And all his buddies were like Yenge,Yenge.It was tolerable till a point.Then it became annoying.
I feel so great after the breakup
Nat says
atThanks for the advice Cerkan but I’ve kind of gone off dating now. Just concentrating on my work and me 🙂
Cerkan says
atIts not about the mans ego, is about showing respect to their friends and to you. They will stop calling you like this as you said, but i think that your divorcement complicates the things a bit for your future. Dont tell it on the first date
Nat says
atHi Mesut – True about love that actions are louders than words. I was upset about Yenge, because people only started calling me it when I got married. I want to be known for myself, not as someones girlfriend or wife. I also don’t want to be called a name to pacifiy males egos that I am off limits. It is rather silly but I wrote this post a while ago and am ok now, because nobody calls it me anymore
Mesut Toker says
atAs a Turkish I understand what you mean but I don’t understand why I should say “I love you” to someone who already know that I love them. I exspress my feeling not only by saying some words but also with my behaviors. Easyly you can spot the person says “I love you” but doesnt mean it. Or someone says nothing but obvious that adores you.
Also I dont get why u obsessed with that word “yenge” 🙂 We just use that word only if she is your best friend’s or relative’s gf or wife. Actually it referes to your male friends that “I am not interested with your gf-wife, You can be sure about me. 🙂 Your gf-wife is like my sister now. 🙂 Maybe it is silly but it is the logic behind that.
Have a nice day Natalie Yenge. 🙂 Really nice blog btw.
Natalie says
atHi Jaren, I think the Turkish love rats are quick to come out with “I love you” but other than that, yes, you are correct. They seem very hesitant to actually say it
Jaren says
atI sympathize. I’ve been dating my Turkish guy for coming on 3 years. It almost didn’t go off at all because I am somewhat of a feminist and don’t enjoy being called pet names, like baby, honey, sweetie, etc… I don’t mind it in a relationship with someone as time goes on, but he started calling me that right from the start. It seemed odd and forced. The Turkish propensity for showing affection in pet names was strong with this one. He asked, “But what do you want me to call you?” and I said, “My name.” He looked so deflated. We have compromised somewhat over the years. I’ve come to accept that this is a cultural difference that can’t be removed so easily. So I let him call me Sweetie or Honey. (Baby will never be acceptable!) And now that we’ve been dating for 3 years it seems normal.
Now that I have visited Turkey a few times and seen how ingrained it is in the culture, I don’t so much mind it even in people I don’t know well. I kind of felt more accepted the first time someone called me Abla. (His friends call me Yenge and we’re not married.)
What is strange to me though and I don’t know if it is a Turkish thing or a thing with his family is that they never say, “I love you.” It’s rare when he says it to me even. In fact, sometimes I feel that my boyfriend expresses love through the affectionate names, rather than saying the words, “I love you.” It is foreign to me. I can’t imagine not telling my mom that I love her before departing… but I’ve never see him say it to his parents.
Nat says
atVery true Val – everything is a perception of our own reality
Nat says
atSorry Caroline but I cannot be held accountable for what people say in the UK about muslims
Valen-This Way Paradise says
atWow! That would be so hard to be in a place and feel like someone’s property. While that term is outdated and I understand how it must make you feel, in truth, we are only responsible for our own emotions and feelings. What if you did some self-healing about what triggers you when you hear that word, And, then surround that word with love and light. The feelings that it triggers is only causing harm to you and your energy, not to others. So instead of putting up a brick wall, how about letting it enter you fully. Embrace the true feelings you have. Don’t try to push them down and then invite healing to those feelings and rise with joy as you know you are your own person and recognize the power of your identity. Surround yourself with love. You are your own soul mate and you can smile with a secret smile because you know that.
caroline babacan says
atmY Turkish hubby and I moved back to UK after 23 years quite frankly yenge pales compared to the not so endearing terms people over here have for immigrant Muslims, ok yenge, enjoy the respect x