Turks have a habit of naming places, with a direct translation that means something. For example, the bustling holiday resort of “Marmaris” means “hang the architect” in reference to an Ottoman sultan, Suleyman the magnificent who in 1522, ordered a new fortress to be built and was totally disgusted at the finished result.
Likewise, Altinkum means “golden sands” referring to the many miles of sandy beaches on the coastline. Not sure, where the golden comes into it, but I assume the name was given many years before dogs started shitting on the beaches and tourists used it as one gigantic ashtray!
Anyway, I digress. On the Aegean coastline, there is a rather stunning beach called Sevgi plaji, in the Davutlar area. It is popular with local Turks from neighbouring Kusadasi and Soke. The name translates to “love beach” and there is no denying, that it is beautiful, therefore ideal for two lovers to take a romantic walk, while declaring nauseating and undying love to each other.
I visited Sevgi Plaji for the first time last year, and it holds strong memories for me but not for the reasons you might think.
For me, Sevgi Plaji was the place when I truly realized that my seven year marriage was over.
Visiting Sevgi Plaji
That day, my ex-husband suggested we venture out and about. It was a wonderful idea. He had been working away for two years and during that time, something had changed. In what way, I was not sure, but I felt distance and unease with the man who had returned to share my bed every night.
Feeling extremely happy, because I thought a romantic day would rekindle the passion in our marriage, I then felt like someone had pushed me off a cliff. The ex was on the phone to his family. They were going to join us and we would head to Sevgi Plaji.
Now at this point, you should know that I was already in the bad books with his family because when my husband had announced his intention to work away, it was suggested that I live with his family in the nearby town of Soke.
Apparently I could learn how to cook dolma, clean like a Turkish woman, be persuaded to have many babies and in the process, totally destroy the shred of any social life that I had left.
I politely declined and instead toured the Southwest coast of Turkey, messed around on boats, watched the horse races in Izmir and went hiking in the Kackar mountains. According to Turkish society, this is disappointing behaviour for a married woman.
Anyway, my refusal to become a domestic goddess, had always led my Turkish family to think I was stupid. At family gatherings, I was not even allowed to make the salad and I am quite sure that any offer to boil the eggs for breakfast, would have resulted in a fainting fit that needed hospitalization.
Now a person can only put up with being treated like the village idiot for so long. Eventually they start to distance themselves from “said” people. Hence, in the two years that my husband was working away, I conveniently forgot to visit my mother-in-law. Time passes by quickly, what more can I say?
So despite knowing that my Turkish family, hated my guts, I hitched along and we arrived at Sevgi plaj.
We proceeded to empty the boot of what seemed like the entire contents of a kitchen. Then we found a small clearing in among trees, laid out the blanket and struck up a BBQ.
Now, where I come from, sparking up a BBQ next to trees and on grass is dangerous. I questioned this, and the response was raised eyebrows, sarcastic comments and lots of giggles. I shut my mouth, looked around for possible fire escape routes, and asked if I could help cut the tomatoes. “No” was the reply.
Maybe they had great concerns about putting a sharp object in my hand
As we sat there eating BBQ chicken wings, peppers, onions and tomatoes, my brother in law remarked on my weight gain and said I was fat. Turks have no qualms about doing that. I however object, when the person saying it is a fat fucker themselves!
Had my brother-in-law been English, a rebuttal would have been easy but this is Turkey, so I duly shut my mouth and carried on eating.
As I sat there, tears started to well up and the realization hit me. I was in the wrong place with the wrong people. I was fed up of trying and drained of energy. I was fed up, that in the eyes of my Turkish husband; I would always come second to his family.
I hid my tears and never mentioned a word, but two days later, I threw my ex-husband out, while screaming degrading profanities about his manhood so all the neighbours can hear. After 13 years in the country, I knew the perfect way to hurt a Turkish man was to attack his pride and I strongly wanted retribution.
I am not entirely sure why, because on that day, it also felt like the shackles that were holding me down had finally been unlocked.
I think my visit to the beach with my ex and his family was meant to happen. It was the universe’s way of saying “Enough girl, you have strayed off your path too far”. In other ways, it is ironic that a defining moment of my life happened on the “Love beach”, but maybe the universe was just feeling bitchy that day.
Will I return to Love beach?
Probably, but not in the foreseeable future. While the emotional wounds are healing, the memories are still too raw.
Question for Readers: Is there is a place that you associate with good or bad memories?
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Nat says
atIt is not a degrading attack – it is my personal experience of not been accepted for who I was. Why did you mention the blue eyes and blond hair as well? I never mentioned that. And yes, I WAS disgruntled of having to change my religion, name, style of dress, eating habits, who I socialised with and basically my whole personality. I had the old fashioned view that marriage was about love. Thankfully though, my divorce turned out to be a blessing in disguise and I have managed to regain my character and beliefs and am now around people who accept me for who I am , without trying to change me.
Mel Gorali says
atA disturbing analysis. I am a Turk, also blond and fair and blue eyed, I have never thought or felt as though men looked at me in a different view. This is a stereotype thought . This all depends on the actions of a person. As a culture we believe in family ethics and invite others to join family net work. Given Western culture if you don’t except your partners family do you think that they will make life easy for you? This type of degrading personal attack really annoys me. Don’t put us all in the same basket. As for learning how to cook and clean really if your married I would expect that you know this even if I am a Westerner. Lets just say that you didn’t fit in this could happen in a work place. A subjective approach. Sounds like your disgruntled hope you hea.
Nat says
atPlease do come Hun. You will like it. Even with the relentless pursuit of Turkish romeos.
Mayari says
atHi Natalie,
Thank you for your sharing experience about Turkey, people, and your marriage in this article (I was sad when read it by my eyes were amused by the pictures).
Btw, I found your blog when I searched about characters of Turkish Males and Female and also their culture. I have read your writing about bad holiday romance with Turkish men. It gave me the other side of view about Turkish men’ characters and habits (besides the wonderful places that you have shared).. Most of blogs or websites wrote about how “bad” of these Turkish men. I agree with you. Romance in vacation was normal because the view, the atmosphere, and the men (in Turkey) increase dopamine, endorfine, pheromone, oxytocin, and neuropinephrine. People feel love and romance because of those hormones. We can find heartbreakers everywhere, not just in Turkey. I never come to Turkey, but I will think to travel after I read your blog.
Natalie says
atI am hearing more stories like yours Brenda. They don’t have to say anything because it all is displayed in their body language and the way they speak to us. You are an artist though and have so much infront of you. Creativity is great and better than being a traditional housewife 😉 Go for it. I wish you success.
Brenda says
atI found your blog because I am moving to Izmir from the US in two months. What I find remarkable in this post, as a woman, is the similarity between your former in-laws and my soon to be former in-laws. They, however, are of German descent but have been in the US for five generations! My family has been here for three generations. I’ve been treated in a similarly condescending manner throughout our marriage and it has only grown worse with time. So, oddly enough considering your experience I am moving to Izmir. I have been invited by two married friends who are artists and as I am an aspiring artist the move seems to be a great opportunity for me. Thank you for the information regarding traditional roles because I certainly would not be considered a suitably traditional Turkish wife!
Nat says
atHard is an understatement Jennifer – don’t think it is so bad if both partners are willing to comprise and meet in the middle but if only one is, the marriage is doomed for failure or some kind of mental health problems popping up somewhere.
Jennifer says
atUntil recent years I never had any friends that were in cross cultural relationships. Reading about your marriage and hearing about some friends’ marriages to foreigners really makes me stop and think when I’m having a rough day in my own marriage. Not only do you have all the regular challenges, but cultural differences. It must have been so incredibly hard.
Natalie says
atGlad you enjoyed Chris. Thankfully, I did a lot of traveling on my own so there is not a lot of places to avoid but one day, I am determined to go back and enjoy them again
Natalie says
atI will always remember something you said to me ages ago Alan and at the time, I could not understand what you meant. You said sometimes culture causes more hassle than it is worth.I full understand now. I still have more cupboards to open but if you have fought your demons, then I am sure I can do it as well.
Natalie says
atA book is definitely on the cards Jack, although not sure how to write it without an extreme amount of profanities! 😉 Hoping to focus on another topic instead
Chris says
atOh Natalie, I felt every bit of that when reading, for I have experienced the same, and it actually sent a shiver down my back. For me thinking of what “was” and now “is” I am so happy to be where I am, and I believe and accept that destiny was plotted out for me to bring me to a better place.. Like you, there are certain places I can’t revisit either, although Alan is correct when he says it can be cathartic, but I deliberately avoid them – it’s easier that way. Carry on doing what you are doing, I enjoy reading your blog x
Alan says
at. . I second Jack on that – it could also be cathartic, bringing out a great deal more that’s buried in your head. I can vouch for the process of opening up the ‘cupboards’ that you don’t realise are there (in my case, childhood abuse) and help you recover at least some of your natural balance. Keep on truckin’!
Jack Scott says
atNat, you should write a book about your experience as tuition to others. Cross-cultural relationships can be very hard work. Compromise and acceptance oil the wheels but sometimes it’s the outsider who has to do all the compromising and accepting. That’s the rub.