When I married my Turkish Romeo, I never knew that I had gained automatic entry to the Elite Club of Turkish Housewives. This is a group of women who have the task of multi-skilling borne into them from birth. No problem is unsolvable and no task is too big. The pure existence and happiness of their families is all down to the Elite Turkish housewives who steer the ship through troubled times and provide a shoulder to cry on during the hard times.
These women have a marvelous ability to give birth to numerous children all in succession, while cooking three meals a day, working seven days a week and keeping the house so intensively clean that you could eat your dinner off the floor. They still also knit jumpers from scratch, grow their own fruit & veg and manage the household budget on a scale that puts my spending to shame.
Joining the Turkish Housewives Club
My new husband and I were both riding high on the addiction of love when we got married. Neither of us had discussed the culture differences however I had married into a Turkish family of which the mother-in-law, both sisters-in-law and numerous aunties had all got founder membership to the Elite club of Turkish housewives.
The first indication that I was not performing my role as an Elite Turkish Housewife was when the family came to stay for a holiday and bought cleaning products with them. After a long day at work, I walked back into the house to find gleaming clean windows, shiny laminate flooring, organized wardrobes and I could see my face in the bathroom taps. Far from experiencing an invasion of privacy, this was a welcome relief as cleaning was not exactly at the top of my list of priorities in life.
My Membership Was Going to be Terminated
Turkish people are not very adventurous in exploring the cuisines of other cultures. One of the first meals that I served my husband was an ambitious French recipe of King Prawns in garlic and butter sauce. The recipe book gave instructions to cook and serve the prawns in their shells and place a finger bowl on the table.
My husband’s friend had also arrived at our house and the two of them sat there ready with their forks placed vertically upright, while I placed my culinary delight in front of them. The look on their faces was the equivalent as if I had served two good hard-working Muslim boys, a plate of pork chops.
Needless to say, on my next visit to see the mother-in-law, I was dragged into the kitchen and shown how to make a variety of Turkish dishes that I didn’t even know the name of. The only thought running through my head was that my mother-in-law was talking to a girl who thought the best chef was the cook at her local take away shop.
I Didn’t Know My Membership Had Been Terminated
One morning, I sat on the balcony with my first cup of coffee for the day. I started reflecting over the last four years of marriage and realized that I was not an Elite Turkish housewife. The standards were too high and I would never be able to compete.
I was desperate to speak to hubby for re-assurance about my sudden realization of my poor housekeeping skills. He simply looked at me and laughed. Apparently I was three and half years too late. My husband and his family had figured out that I was not the perfect Turkish housewife in our first six months of marriage.
So Life Goes On…
An overwhelming sense of calm washed over me as I had no longer had to keep up the pretence that I was interested in domestication. Over the four years of marriage, I had coined a new meaning to the phrase of being non-domesticated and everyone had realized it apart from me.
My Turkish family had long accepted the faults of this random English stranger that had abruptly entered their lives. I was the only one who had spent years trying to make out that she was domesticated when in truth, reality was the complete opposite.
So now, I continue on my path trying to adapt to a life that has absorbed two different cultures. At the same time, I accept that I will never be a good English or Turkish housewife. It is just not in my heart to be domesticated. Perhaps I could start my own club called the Elite club of non-domesticated Turkish/English bloggers.
love this one Natalie this made me laugh im not perfect either but we get though it together Phil dose as much as i do but i work as hard as he dose so it all comes out in the wash
And I’ll be happy to become a member of your club Natalie. My mother-in-law excluded me from the “club” years ago. She and FIL no longer eat my food when they visit and cook their own or eat out…which suits me fine. I don’t have a complex about my cooking because I’ve cooked for years and my meals have always received praise..but I just don’t fit into the Turkish Housewife role.
MIL still rearranges my kitchen cupboards every time she visits though, which is a bit annoying, but if it keeps her happy, who cares?
@Phil and Di – Thankfully hubby has adapted to my ways and is quite happy to iron his own clothes now but I really do think that when we got married, he thought I was a carbon copy of his mum!
@Ayak – I remember one of your posts about that Ayak. It was quite sad to read it. I just don’t cook permanently so they are quite welcome to the kitchen and I eat what they make. The kitchen cupboards get re-arranged as well, but in my case it is a welcome relief. Welcome to the club, we have two members now!
Natalie recently wrote about..My Posh Turkish Breakfast and a Letter of Complaint
Great post Natalie, well observed because you live it.
You and J have a lot in common – fiercely independent and gawd help me if I don’t do my share! Hard to deal with some times, especially as she insists on me walking 10 paces behind
Alan recently wrote about..Hovis; a Slice of Nostalgia
Mt first impression of Turkish women way back in 1995 was that do most of the work while their men spend lazy days sitting in tea houses and playing parlour games. I don’t how they manage to do anything in this heat. I can barely manage to raise a duster.
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TOO funny. i don’t think i’d win turkish housewife here in the US, either.
wandering educators recently wrote about..Roatan, Honduras: a Zip-line Rush
It was really nice to read your account, but am sure you are doing just fine being what you are
Siddhartha Joshi recently wrote about..Leisurely in Orissa…
Think I’ll be part of your club Natalie. As soon as someone announces they’re coming to visit us, both me and Barry have to do a clean-up – neither of us to domesticity. Maybe I’d be a bit more domestic if I wasn’t faffing with the blog all the time!
Julia
Turkey’s For Life recently wrote about..Turkish Food: Aubergine Kebab
@sid – Well hubby is still around so I must be doing something right!
@Julia. I blame the internet as well. Ten minutes surfing turns into four hour task!
Natalie recently wrote about..The Floating Restaurant Called Giritli
Great blog! I can so relate to the Elite club. Although I’m not English, would live to join your elite club! Haha!
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My ‘almost’ Turkish mother-in-law (ultimately the relationship didn’t work out) used to rearrange the furniture in our house when she came to stay and re-fold all our clothes in the wardrobe ‘her’ way. She also used to tell me that feeding the cat ‘cat food’ was extravagant and that the cat should eat rice and leftovers – I laugh at it now, but can you imagine what the cat thought of that?!
Liv recently wrote about..How to call home for free wherever you are
Natalie, I’d like to be a member of your club too please!
My mother-in-law learned early on that i was just not domestic – her dismay at my lax housekeeping also launched surprise cleaning attacks on our apartment while I was at work. I knew it was hopeless when the family would not even eat my excellent chocolate chip cookies. So I got even by writing about my Turkish housekeeping misadventures in Tales from the Expat Harem, published also in Turkish…it’s been 6 years now, so I’ve been forgiven for the embarrassment I caused in Selcuk by airing our dirty laundry in public.
Life is far more peaceful at home, now that my husband and I live in Istanbul…
@Caroline – You are more than welcome to join my club! The more the merrier.
@Liv – Not sure I can understand the logic in that a cat should not be fed cat food!
@Catherine – I did not know you had contributed towards that book – Hoping to get my hands on a copy soon
Natalie recently wrote about..The Quirky Vibes Of The Kaptan Han Hotel
Lovely article, as usual. Thanks for sharing this, Nats.
By the way, have you had the culture card played on you? It is used to silence dissent and the logic argument. It runs something like this, “But.. this is something you will never understand because it is our culture.” For some reason, this response is considered a excuse for all manner of strange goings-on.
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Strange you should mention that Joe as it was played on me the other day. Not by the family, but by some friends. It actually started off as a blatant attempt to manipulate me and when that did not work, they played the culture card. Have to say it is the first time, I have heard it though. You have just given me a great idea for a post.
and maybe don’t forget the always perfect hair and nails that definitely also belongs to the memberships of the Elite Turkish Housewives.. sometimes I give it a shot but I do not have that ability to always have the hair and nails perfect, it is missing in my gens I guess…
OK, this one has me rolling. I am *SURE* I would be part of your type of club, indeed. I would love to re-post some out-takes of this writing on my blog with all credits and links to you, of course. I would put the out-takes into my own commentary on my own experience as a counterpoint. Thoughts on that? I could show it to you ahead of time, etc.
Feel free ES. Looking forward to seeing the article.
Love this article! I am currently facing this situation right now and I am definitely in your club too.. I just moved to Turkey to be with my prince after giving up my life in Australia where I was professional at all things but domestic. I’ve seen this elite turkish housewives club and no matter how hard I try, I cannot fulfill their expectation. They too all know that I am far from domesticated and won’t allow me to do anything to help so I just sit and watch and try to learn their way… But I can never be as thorough and diligent as them with my housekeeping. My heart is just not into it. You know what me and my partner do? We go to his mums every day to eat, hahaha.. It keeps her happy, my fiance is happy to eat good turkish food and I’m happy that they are happy. It all works
Sounds like you got all worked out Mishali so everyone is happy. That good news! Glad you could relate to my story as well.
I enjoyed reading this! I have told Murat that I’m not much into cooking and I’ve never made bread in my life, which of course all the women in his village do.
He assures me that it’s no problem and that he likes to cook anyway. Just as well! Though I think he may change his mind if we get married and decide that I should be performing wifely duties. We’ll see!
Hi Chris, Glad you enjoyed the post. I am sure you and Murat will adapt to your own routine anyway, just like me and hubby have.
Natalie recently wrote about..Kas – Mediterranean Delight in Turkey
I have no desire to become a slave to my home. My husband helps with the housework. My MIL is not permitted to move things around my home–if she tries, she is told to move things back as they were. Regardless of culture, if you know who you are and have a healthy sense of self and boundaries, you do not feel the need to change to impress other people.
Hi Andrea, thanks for stopping by. Agree with your last statement but I would still not recommend any girls on the verge of marriage to either a Turkish or foreign man to follow my sense of domestication!
Natalie recently wrote about..The Blue Cave and Kostos the Greek
I am sooooooooo happy to have found and read your story. Please can I join the club too! I am engaged to a Turkish man and his parents have come to stay with us for the first time (with only a one way plane ticket…this alone I find unbelievable given we both work full time and live in a 1 bedroom London flat). They have been here for 1 week so far and MIL has completely taken over our household, Turkish TV is on the computer 24 hrs a day and the whole place smells of frying chillis or something. Every spare moment I have at home I am expected to be in the kitchen helping or cleaning something. Her favourite joke is that she is on holiday and should not be working, I have said we could happily go out to eat but this was also taken as a joke! Given the hugely unenthusiastic response to my cooking the first few days they were here, I have not offered to make any further meals. I clearly do not make the grade of the elite turkish housewife, I wish I was as confident and happy about this as you
mind you your post has encouraged me no end. Its just not very enjoyable to be tutted at and made to feel inadequate in your own home…my mum tells me always, she is a professional housewife, you are a professional teacher. Cooking and cleaning is her job, she does it with the same pride you do your job. I guess this makes sense. Thanks for you confidence boosting post…being a housewife is really not the be all and end all (I had almost forgotten that)!
Your mum is right.Turkish women take their housewife job seriously. Do make sure you feel comfortable in your own home though.I normally reach about four days before I start hampering for my own space back