A few months ago, Lisa Morrow, an experienced travel writer living in Istanbul, contacted me. She had just released a book about Turkish Culture and asked if she could send a copy, for a published review.
I said yes and a week later, received a 162-page book via cargo. Since I am a fast reader, I would easily finish a book of that size within a few days. Her book is not a travel guide but a collection of essays about her experiences as a foreign female living and traveling throughout Turkey. I could identify with every cultural experience she wrote about.
The book about Turkish culture
Lisa’s style of writing is one I greatly admire. Through her words, I was instantly living each chapter, whether it was about Turkish people she met in daily life, or situations such as how the Turks deal with death.
She writes of many things, including the social etiquette of how a woman should behave, a wedding ceremony, the Turkish public health system and the exhausting process of bureaucracy in this country.
However, the opening words of her introduction, provoked emotions that made me wonder if Lisa had a magnifying glass focused on my mind, thoughts and lifestyle.
She wrote…
Living in such a different culture changes a person and not always in ways we may like. It is often confronting and unpleasant. The time comes when the foreigner has a decision to make. Do I immerse myself so completely in my new home that I become a stranger to myself?
Had these words been sent to me by some divine intervention?
If you are a new reader, a quick summary is that last January I was diagnosed with depression and despite making all efforts to overcome it, was left with lasting emotions of doom and gloom. My bucket list to travel to every town, city, and village of Turkey had taken a back seat.
I was constantly searching for a solution, reading any self-help or motivational manual that I could get my hands on but Lisa had provided the answer instantly in a three-sentence paragraph.
I had immersed myself so much into Turkish culture that in turn, I had forgotten about my own personal identity. I was a stranger to myself.
A Cross Cultural Marriage
A seven-year cross-cultural marriage resulted in the loss of my identity. I have always strongly insisted that any marriage, between a Turk and person of another culture should involve comprise by both partners.
Yet, ironically and I am not entirely sure how it happened but slowly over the years, I comprised too much. I changed my religion, adopted a Turkish name, and in adhering to traditional Turkish dress standards for women, had thrown out any piece of clothing that emphasized my bodily shape including my bikini.
My cultural upbringing in the UK had made me a fierce, independent Western woman, with a strong business background, but I changed the way I interacted with men, in order not to upset my husband, or be labelled a loose woman by the neighbours.
I stopped eating pork and participated in ceremonies such as Kurban Bayram, to which Lisa dedicates a whole chapter to. This event involves sacrificing an animal for religious purposes, something in the UK, I would never contemplate doing.
I often read about other travel writers, suffering from reverse culture shock, which is a period of readjustment when returning to their home countries after a lengthy stay in other places. Instead of reverse culture shock, I felt like a cultural f**** up.
But there is another tale….
Lisa’s book is dedicated to her father, Geoffrey James Morrow, who lost a battle with cancer. She states she inherited a love of travel and the need to know from him. This was the second aspect of the book that evoked intense pain and agony for me.
When I announced, many years ago, that I was coming to live in Turkey, my father’s words were inspiring. Everyone else thought I was crazy but he simply said…
Go to Turkey, and do what makes you happy. If it goes wrong, come back and start again
(He also jokingly told me not to marry a Turkish waiter but ironically, four years later, I did just that).
Last year, when I publicly wrote about my depression, I also disclosed that a close member of my family had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Only a few people knew, that the person was my dad and exactly like Lisa’s dad, he too lost his battle with cancer, three months ago.
Exploring Turkish Landscapes
The introduction and main chapters of Lisa’s book forced me to revisit many cultural aspects about my life in Turkey, while the last chapter mirrored a highly painful experience that was out of my control.
However, by the time I had finished her book, I felt a shift in my vibes from negative to positive. I truly believe we create our own reality and for months, I had been moaning about my past cultural choices but then I realised they actually helped me learn indepth about my adopted country, which is what my bucket list was all about, anyway!
I have travelled extensively throughout Turkey and many travel industry professionals and readers have personally emailed me with praise for my work and intricate knowledge of the country. I should be thankful for my past, not filled with regret!
I have a fantastic lifestyle and should not be bitching about events that have prompted me to be creative with my writing and in turn, receive much admiration from readers all over the world!
As for my dad, he may not be here in physical presence but he certainly is in spirit and maybe, it was his doing as to why Lisa sent me her book.
The summary on the back of the book says
“This collection of stories, offers a personal insight into Turkish traditions and beliefs, and also takes us on an emotional journey as one woman rediscovers herself”
Regarding the last words, it is time for me to do exactly that. Rediscover who I am, and be thankful for my glorious life in Turkey, a wonderful country that is my home. It is time to stop being a drama queen!
Who is this book for?
Lisa Morrow is a published author, with extensive knowledge of Turkish life. She is not as famous or well known, as like-minded authors like Orhan Pamuk or Elif Shafak, of whom, both are Turks who have achieved great fame and wealth because of their books about Turkish culture and identities.
However, for me, this book resonated with my life on every level. I have no qualms about recommending it, as one of the best books I have ever read, purely for the emotions it provoked.
People who will personally identify with the content are ex-pats living in Turkey, any woman who is looking to settle into the country and anyone in a cross-cultural relationship with a Kurd or Turk.
Alternatively, if cultural experiences are your main reason for travel, this book will provide a great insight into daily Turkish life and this will enhance your visit to the country.
Further Reading
Read reviews about the book on Amazon
Find out more about Turkey, by following Lisa on her blog at Inside Out In Istanbul
Read an interview with Lisa by Yabangee
Thanks for the book recommendation, Natalie. Just bought it — it feels like something I need right now. Can’t wait till it’s in my hands. Cheers.
Alican – Spot on – He was a kurd who family originated from Batman. Thanks for your encouragement though. I now realize that sometimes it is better to stand alone than run with the crowd
Oh I also wanted to chime in about one thing. You wrote you had to change your dress, the way you interacted with men, etc. I am all sympathizing with you. However coming from a full turkish background, my sister/mom have always been able to wear bikinis, shorts, etc. My understanding is that you’re married to a man whose background is a little more conservative than an average liberal Turk. Like my family seized following Kurban Bayrami rituals. My sister herself is a businesswoman who owns her work and quite successful. So what I am saying is there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes we just forget walking/running towards it. Be patient, you’re not alone.
Natalie, this was quite refreshing to read. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I’m myself an expat living in the states. I came here when I was 21. However there’s a whole a lot different scene than it meets the eyes in Turkey. There’s a big distance between youth and older generation. Myself, I felt like I was running away from a ticking bomb. I can see how turkish customs can be alluring, colorful but daily communications, cultural judgements, human interactions are so different than what you are used to in USA or other countries.
Quite surprisingly these were my thoughts living in Turkey (raised/born) even though I had not been to any other countries outside Turkey. I felt trapped, I was the ugly duckling in the society who doesn’t fit. I liked classical music when I was middle school and everyone else picked on me… Any liberal thoughts expressed, even though I was among so-called liberal friends, family were frowned upon. When I stepped in the states, I felt like I flourished. I do miss certain things from Turkey but your pain/suffering didn’t sound so distant to me. I wanted to share my insight as a Turkish person. Communication is a challenge. Especially if you’re surrounded with more local people. There people exist that you may find yourself more fitting but they’re only handful and takes a lot discovery to get together. Good luck!
Sorry to hear about your dad Joy – unfortunately, it seems to be quite common to hear it in among our generation.
Thank you Jennifer. Getting there with his help
I’m so sorry to hear of your father’s illness and passing, Natalie. My mother-in-law passed away from breast cancer back in 2003 so know how painful it is to watch someone you love suffer. I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times now, but your dad is in a better place and I bet he is watching over you every second.
You’ve been dealing with a lot this past year…I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s passing. My dad’s health has been steadily declining the last few years and I never know if he’ll still be around the next time I travel home.
Like Jack and Janet said, you can’t change the past. We all learn from our mistakes and past experiences. We can choose to move forward and live a life that will make us happier. I wish you all the best!
It is a shame that you returned Qotu. I never had any thoughts of leaving but was struggling to find my identity. Having read the book and resonated with a lot of the experiences, I know realize what my problem was and like you say, mental health care here is not exactly state of the art. The main self help method that I use is LOA – Law of Attraction. Focus mainly on showing love and gratitude for what we have and also appreciating the value. More about living in the moment, rather than the past or future.
If you look at the Amazon page, on the bottom right, it shows the kindle version. As you a Turk, I would love to know what you think of the book as well. Please let me know
Thank you Janet – the book really made me realize that.
Definitely a student Jack, although now starting to embrace the lessons rather than run away from them
Somehow i missed your news about having depresyon. I do hope you are fully recovered. What self help resources did you find effective ?
I very much related to what YOU wrote, Natalie !
Living in Turkey for 8.5 yrs literally dismantled my personality.
“Western” things i had developed back home that greatly improved life like effective communication, authenticity and assertiveness caused no end of trouble and offense in Turkey and ultimately were abandoned one by one, essentially to keep the peace.
It was an insidious, gradual process – like a dripping tap fills a bucket.
Eventually i had to leave – before it was too late; I’d already watched one expat woman go stark raving mad and end up a resident of Manisa asylum, and I didnt fancy risking being the second. Having friends over there with depression I knew that mental health services locally were not at all what I would want and a friend who worked in a local pharmacy said “half” the women in the town were on the highest doses of the strongest antidepressant drugs available (very telling.).
Back home i was diagnosed with PTSD and burnout, courtesy of my years in Turkey and it took several years (with a lot of expensive professional help) to recover from it- in all i “lost” a good 5 years of my life.
I too greatly love that place. Particularly its history and traditional culture which are still my “hobby’.
I made WONDERFUL friends, had many cherished experiences and learned so much – but in the end, looking back at the flip side which was the damage it caused in the process (and that wasn’t just PTSD) – it just wasn’t worth it.
I used to wonder what life would be like living there “my way, on my own terms”, as the long term expats that seemed to flourish (or even just fare better) were all single and lived alone or else spent sizeable chunks of the year out of the country, back in their home country and / or egfectively had bargaining power, such as sizeable financial resources.
It was also very obvious that there were also so very few long term HAPPY mixed marriages. PLENTY of the oposite !
I have an educated, professional, urban Turkish pen friend who said he “tears his hair out every day” (about how things /Turks are) so it’s not just yabancilar who find it exasperating or difficult !
Thanks for the heads up – i will be reading this.
I am very interested in reading this book now. As a Turkish person, living in the States for 15 years, I had the ups and downs there. However, after so many years, came back here for 6 months and adjusting and learning my culture all over again. After some point, not sure where I am from, where I fit.
I am going to enjoy reading her take. Hope there is a Kindle version of it.
Natalie, Thank you for sharing this with us.
Storms will come ang go, However i believe that storms in life do not come to make or break us. They come to reveal us to ourselves.
As Jack says regret is such a wasteful emotion, Let Go and move on.
You have such a wonderful life ahead of you, take hold of every blessing and fly.
Nat, I’m so pleased that the book has enabled you see yourself differently. Regret is such a wasteful emotion because you can’t change the past, only learn from it. And I think of you as one of life’s great students.