The winter months in Turkey have been very kind to me. The fine dining, copious amounts of beer and my desk job have all combined to bless me with a spare tyre and a couple of extra chins.
I don’t need people to tell me that I have put weight on. There are six pairs of trousers sitting in my wardrobe that I cannot pull over my hips.
The English ex-pats have been diplomatic to me. They remember our culture background that is rude to discuss a person’s weight and they tactfully steer around the subject while still telling me that I look great.
However in Turkey, any weight gain is shoved into the conversation like you are discussing the time of day. Don’t be surprised if you go to your favorite restaurant and the waiter recommends with a toothless grin that perhaps you should be drinking diet cola instead!
Turkish People Tell You if You are Fat
Now my weight has always been like a yoyo while I have been in Turkey. I remember the first time a Turkish person remarked on my weight gain and I ran home, threw myself on the settee and cried my eyes out. I settled on the idea that they was having a joke at my expense and therefore swore never to talk to them again. However the very next day, I did see them and they were talking to me like nothing had happened
That was also the first time that I discovered a difference between the Turks and the Brits when it comes to conversation topics that are socially accepted. The literal translation from Turkish to English is that you have taken kilos. To me this is the same as saying “you are now fat”. Your weight gain will be openly discussed in public and at times you will feel like waving your hands around like a mad woman to let them know you are still there.
It was explained to me once that Turkish people can talk so freely about a person’s weight gain because it is irrelevant. The important aspects are your character, personality and whether you have a kind heart. Material looks have nothing to do with day to day life and therefore your weight is not an issue.
Ok, I can see where they are coming from on that but at the same time, I was bought up in a society where telling someone they are
fat is perfect grounds for the biggest cat fight ever seen.
I like the English diplomatic manner of not discussing extra chins, spare types around the waist and my bulging hips that now swing from side to side as I walk down the street. Ok, so it is said behind my back instead but it still saves me the embarrassment of being the topic of conversation.
This morning I sat down for breakfast with a table full of Turks. I had not seen one of them in quite a long while. After the standard social greetings of “hello” and “how are you?” I heard those words that make me cringe.
Shoving their face full of bread and olives, they declared to the whole table that they could see I had gained kilos and everyone had a good laugh. I shrugged my shoulders and said nothing. My only thought was that this is one aspect of Turkish culture that I will never get used to.
How weird. Just commented on someone’s blog today and they asked about things you will never get used to, being an expat in your chosen country. My exact reply was the fact my weight gains and losses are always up for open discussion in bars, in front of everyone.
I Can’t decide if it’s good or bad – the fact that it’s not taboo here. It’ll always shock me though.
Julia
I’d welcome weight gain discussions!! Truely I would. I still can’t come to terms with being constantly quizzed on why I don’t have children. We’ve been married 10 years – and we’ve opted out of parenthood – complete strangers ask why we don’t have them. Another taboo – “how much did you pay for your house” — let it go – tell me how fat I am please. ;(
That’s one thing I don’t miss about living in Turkey! I remember once, when I was living and working in Kayseri, I was walking across the school playground to get to class (this was at TED Kolej) and the head mistress of the lise smacked my bum and tutted, ‘popo nono!’ (does anyone remember those Lee Cooper jeans ads from the early 2000s?). I’ve had plates of pastries thrust at me at parties (the sit-in-a-circle-and-gossip-over-tea kind) at the same time as I was scolded for the circumference of my thighs.
Strangely enough, here in China no one seems to care that I’m significantly larger than they are (not fat…just bigger) and I’ve had no negative comments about my size or what I eat. It’s nice. My ego really took a beating in Turkey.
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@Turkeys for life – I would much prefer it to be a taboo subject!
@Roving jay – Babies is also the other question that I constantly get asked. People can not understand those who want to opt out of parenthood. Another post I think
@MaryAnne. I liked your last sentence. My ego really took a beating. So true!
I always got asked didn’t I miss my mother (I honestly didn’t and said so). My partner would get really mad and say I should say that I did – that no would understand.
On the subject of weight, I lost a s…load of weight one winter but barely anyone noticed bc I was wearing very thick mens’ woollen long johns under jeans and huge fleeces and coats layered etc. On the first lovely day of Spring I walked into Egitim Kirtasiye wearing very form-flattering Spring clothes and the owner’s wife screamed ! Priceless !
On the subject of children, People would ask “Are you going to have any children ?” and I (a qualified midwife) would say “Get out – I’m 40-something and they would say “That’s nothing – my mother had a baby when she was 51″ and I would say “What – her ELEVENTH ?”, to which they would invariably exclaim “Yes !”. Give me strength …. :/
This made me laugh out loud…only because its happened to me too! The only positive is that it can go the other way..when you’ve lost kilos and they tell you how skinny you look in front of everybody… That’s a good feeling.
I had a women tell me once that my face looked skinnier but my body didn’t. In fact, my body looked the same or bigger and how was that possible…so yes, akward. I personally think it was just the clothes I was wearing that day!
I’d rather weight not be a topic of conversation.
I too find that our western sensitivities are often blown up in Turkik cultures. We lived in Kazakstan and Uzbekistan as well (they had some Soviet influence for sure) and the first two questions were, “How old are you?” and “How much money do you make?”
We grew to expect them and laugh and try to think of imaginative answers. The weight gain is also something we have encountered over and over again. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this and getting discussion going. It would be good to delve into the underlying worldview that allows them broach this subject and compare it to why we care so much. Are we just more vain? Are there other factors? Have you felt that the people that said it were being mean? I have not found that to be the case.
i had the same experience in turkey!! i was with my brother in laws family and his mom pushed tons of delicious food on me for a couple weeks. needless to say i packed on some pounds, which the family proceeded to discuss and laugh about right at the table…at first i wanted to crawl into a hole and cry but then i was like, “oh, wait, I DID gain weight”.
How funny Natalie! Interesting how some topics are taboo in certain cultures and others aren’t.
Of course, whether you heed the comments and from whence they come is entirely up to you
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@Bron – I think people that come from Western countries do tend to be vain because of all the hype in the media and emphasis on how we look. Also when Turkish people say it to me, I don;t feel they are being mean, I think it is my upbringing that makes me self conscious.
@Nod to Style – That is the thing as well. Turkish people are always giving me food. Even the neighbours bring round cakes and little delights.
@Claire – So true Claire
Wow – very confrontational! I don’t think I would like that at all (or participate)
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@Nod To Style – Let me tell you the Turkish insider tip on why they comment on your weight after they feed you all the delicious food of our country, it is very innocent; they are most likely proud to make you gain those pounds. It is a victorious sign of you enjoying their food and a few extra pounds are not seen as bad in Turkey. It is almost looked upon as being healthy
They are like this in Thailand as well. Weight is not an issue, just like homeosexuality or any other “taboos” All that matters is who you are. I like this! Helps me to learn how to laugh at myself and understand what is really important.
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@Mehmet – Good to see you back on my blog. Thanks for the insider tip as well
@Caz – When I wrote this piece, I was going through a little bit of a confidence crisis and I think that is why it meant more to me.
I’ve grown to live with comments on weight in Turkey. After all “you have put weight on” is purely a fact. It is not cruel and not judgemental – it is correct.
Why make life complicated when it can be simple?
I see the Turks are similar to Latin America in this sense. I’ve know families who nickname their child gordo which translates to ‘fat’. And this is all socially acceptable, but seeing that it is it doesn’t carry as much…for lack of a better word… weight.
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Turks certain seem less obsessed with weight and looking thin. I think this is healthy.
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Definitely Jack – We seem to be more focused on our looks than any other nations and at least of the time, it just causes us sadness
The Koreans would just call you fat. I like the phrase “you have gained kilos” much better
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You have gained kilos is so much more polite Nancie
The three things Turkish people do not refrain from commenting on: 1) How much you earn, 2) How much you weigh, 3) Why you do not have children.
Born to parents of Turkish origin, these questions still throw me off. I just cannot believe the nerve people have, but it is what it is… I still love Turkey dearly, and every time I return to Turkey I say “I love the country”, and every time I leave it I say, “arghhhh the people!!!”
Having said that, I think I will be back again soon and it has only been 2 months since I left
No 3 is still being discussed for me as well G. Six years of marriage with no children is not normal, I have been told. I can let it just wash over me now because like you, I love the country so much!
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