Deep Trances, Irish Psychic Readers, and Evaluation of Life

If there were a universal scale of 1 to 10 about how great bloggers are, I would score minus twenty.

The judges would say I am inconsistent and guilty of ignoring my readers.

I admit it; my posts have become shorter and less frequent.

My enthusiasm has disappeared, currently listed as AWOL. My passion and inner strength left my life abruptly and are yet to return.

I would not have dreamed of writing this post a year ago. Life then was frankly shit hot. I travelled, I wrote, ate, slept, gave a high five to the spiritual powers that be and did it again the next month.

I went to Istanbul twice, visited Beypazari, toured the Northeast and Southeast, and then returned to Cappadocia. I also had a close circle of friends and would often join them to mess around on boats and enjoy the summer vibes.

Sounds idyllic, doesn’t it?

So where did it go wrong?

I am not entirely sure. Something changed but I do not know what

My confident Yin and Yang became unbalanced, my life took a nosedive, and my happy go lucky attitude floated off to find someone else more worthy of appreciating what they had.

All positivity was replaced with a dark, heavy cloud that followed me about 24/7.  Negativity had invaded my aura and it refused to go away.

Friends noticed the change in me as well.

Apparently, it was hard not to since I was constantly bursting into tears or verbally picking a fight with everyone from the bin man to the bar boy that pissed off my highly charged and sensitive ego.

Each day, I got up, tried to act normal but the same dark cloud was always there.

I made travel plans and cancelled them. Something was telling me to stay close to home.

I spent days on the Internet searching Google to find a medical reason. The only thing I learned is to never search Google if you are ill because when you finish reading about possible causes, symptoms and treatment, you are convinced that death is imminent.

I looked around for therapists but in Turkey, admitting that you are fucked up in the head is not socially acceptable behaviour.

You have to smile, put on a brave face, and rely on heavy medication and Allah to get you through. Neither did much to ease my inner pain and turmoil.

At this point, I was addicted to sleeping tablets and ignoring the “one pill a night” dosage, to instead take four that left me feeling very drowsy the next morning. My attempt to stop using them resulted in staying awake for 56 hours.

Then the inevitable happened. I broke down. I was tired and fed up of fighting the demon that had rudely disrupted my peaceful existence and otherwise perfect life.

Taking a week off work, I shut the door, went to bed, and secretly wished that I would not wake up the next morning.

Imagine my disappointment when I did.

The Spiritual Reading

After accepting that I was not going to miraculously die in my sleep, I decided the next best thing would be to drown my sorrows in alcohol.

So, while I am sat with my friend, sobbing into my beer, she suggests that I see Carol the Irish psychic reader.

Ah, praise the diversity of Turkey that the luck of the Irish would come calling at my door.

I met Carol and she scared the shit out of me. She reminded me of the old English housewives who constantly cursed and would fight any man if they looked at them in a way they didn’t like.

Carol was going to read my aura and hopefully put me on a path of enlightenment. The problem was that she had a broad Irish accent and I could not understand a fucking word she said.

After asking her to speak more slowly and with clarification, she explained the reason for my depression. Apparently, there is a planetary shift between Jupiter, Venus or 1 of those other large balls in space. They are affecting the negativity and positivity balance of life. A war is occurring between good and bad spiritual energies.

So had I crossed to the dark side?

According to Carol, yes I had. I was well and truly entrenched and in my current position, could easily join Darth Vader in blowing up a planet or two.

It was a double whammy though.

You see, not only was I dancing with the devil but also apparently, I could not do anything about it either. The situation was not mine to control.

Carol said this was my destiny and payback because for the last 19 years, I have denied who I really am. I have consistently rejected my beliefs and ignored my needs so that I could adapt to people around me.

Instead, she advised that I accept my spiritual powers to find peace of mind, help people and give out positive energy into the universe.

The single thought running through my head was…

“What the fucking hell are you talking about woman?

I can barely get out of bed in the morning but you want me to skip and dance, send out good vibes into the universe and forgive Satan for all his evil! “

I left, met my friend and this time, she suggested that a full day of pampering would help.

Reiki and Deep Trances

So, at a nearby five star hotel, I bought the seaweed wrap, skin care routine and a full body massage and Turkish bath.

Then something caught my eye.

The advert said “Reiki – Useful in times of depression and emotional stress”

I felt compiled to sign up for it and the next day, met the Reiki master who was going to perform the ritual.

Her name was Dawn and she explained it as spiritual healing, which in my thoughts translated to

“I am going to do a mind fuck on you and take your money at the same time”

After assuring me that it would not result in a hysterical and emotional breakdown, I laid down on the massage bed. The lights were dimmed down and soft music was playing in the background. The smell of incense sticks filled the air.

After saying the Lord’s Prayer, Dawn moved her hands to be around my head, not completely touching it. I felt a warming vibe from them and for the first time in ages, actually felt sleepy.

She moved her hands to hover above my chest. I am not sure entirely sure what happened next but it felt like a rush of energy surging upward out of my chest.  I took a deep breath and heard loud crying. It was me. I could not stop. Tears were pouring down my face and I leaned over the side of the bed, coughing and spluttering with feelings of nausea.

After managing to calm down, Dawn told me that I was full of negative energy. Someone had put a curse on me and I needed to start fighting back.

I was quite prepared to fight if it meant signing up for another session. That trance was better than alcohol or any hard-core drug.

I had five more sessions with varying success and disappointment. In one, I felt a heavy weight on my chest. I wondered if Dawn was pressing down on me with her hands but it felt more like a brick. It was uncomfortable and I opened my eyes to see what it was. There was nothing there. Dawn was at the other side of the room.

In the next session, I felt a spiritual force join my trance. She was an old lady standing beside me. She was stroking my hand, which was placed palm down on the bed.

For the first time in months, I felt encouragement and love.

Thinking this was a turning point, I went to the next session full of optimism and looking forward to my mind-blowing trance. I did not give a shit how or why they happened and was just enjoying the opportunity to leave the Earth in mind and soul. To break out of my crumbling and despondent body to reach a higher level.

Unfortunately, it was a bad session. A young, mischievous boy came into the trance. He was pulling at my toes and laughing. I felt evil engulfing me and it was pulling at my hand, begging me to follow. I did not want to go and started pulling back, only for my hand to be covered in pins and needles.

So What Happens Now?

I have finished my Reiki sessions. While I do not feel happy, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I never wanted to come down this path in life but circumstances and events made it happen, so I am guessing there is some higher spiritual force. I just have to make sure they are on my side in the future.

Therefore, that brings me to you, the reader

  • I apologise for being a shit blogger.
  • I apologise for not answering your emails
  • I am sorry for my lack of consistency.

What I am asking from you is time

I am taking the next month off. I have a plan of action including dental work, gym membership, a new wardrobe, and a trip to the hairdressers.

In a month, I will come back to this blog and publish all those articles sitting on my laptop but more importantly, I plan to return with passion and dedication.

Just like, I used to have.

I hope that you the reader, will still be here.

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Contact me..

Natalie

Hi. My name is Natalie Sayin and I am the author of The Turkish Travel Blog. I am an eccentric,Internet addict with a passion for history.

I really shouldn't travel because I can not read maps and always lose my way! But hey, that never stops me and it is part of the fun! Leave a comment below to join the discussions.
Contact me..

Comments

  1. Oz says

    Natalieeee…..

    a – you are actually a very good blogger, ..I love reading it .
    b- thank you for being so frank , it made me laugh (sorry)
    c- sort your head and come back to the crowd , soon if possible.

    • Chris says

      Natalie, I am a newbie to your blog as I am always interested in travelling solo except I am a martyr to procrastination and thought by reading your articles it might give my desires that little extra push in the directions I would like to go.

      I am surprised by this blog as you seem like a determined and independent person who knows what she wants and does it. I can acquaint with the symptoms you describe and have been in “that place” myself. I think that it is extremely brave of you to have made these admissions in public and as part of your page, as anyone else may feel that by admitting such it would show a sign of weakness in character. I applaud you for doing so and hope that by admitting this in such an open manner your demon has been shared with others who can commisserate.

      I wish you full and speedy recovery, but of course at your own rate, to where you want to be and find that comfort of the real you so desire – Best wishes x

  2. Ann says

    I would suggest that you start praying to God….the one who is the Father of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. Indulge me here……Just ask Him to make Himself known to you through His son, Jesus. Sounds like you have certainly tried a lot of stuff that hasn’t worked….might be time to try the one that will work. Ask Him to provide you with the faith you need.

  3. says

    I love reading your blogs, especially this one, it shows that you are a real person, that for whatever reason, is currently going through a transition in your life, “Great changes are preceded by chaos” I too am a reiki practitioner, and loved your description of your reiki experience, it effects everyone differently. I also believe things happen for a reason, and you were clearly guided.
    Continue to invest time in yourself, and everything else will fall into place

  4. kristina says

    oh Natalie, I do wish you well, I loved reading your blog as I lived in Istanbul for four years and love Turkey. Have a read of Eckhart Tolle or Steve Taylor, hope you get well soon xx

  5. says

    Bless you Natalie, you are a one very talented blogger, story teller, photographer, and over all a lovely, honest person. Give yourself a well deserved break- you are already a level up as you recognised this need and doing something about it – everyone needs to pause and reflect sometimes. We love and greatly enjoy your blogs, whenever you are ready – we shall be here for you when you come back! and please come back :) Big hugs, Ozlem x
    Ozlem’s Turkish Table wrote about..Baklava 101 from the Masters & Tips to Make the Real Thing at Home

  6. says

    Natalie, I’ve been more in love with Turkey since I’ve started reading your blog. It’s my connection to the country I love so much.

    As a fellow blogger, I’ll only say this – facing your demons on your blog takes courage, and you have that. I have no doubt that you’ll make it through this difficult time. I, for one, will be waiting with baited breath to read from you. *hugs*
    Shivya wrote about..Things I Wish I Knew Before I Quit My Job to Travel.

  7. Jennifer says

    Im sorry you are having such a shit time but Im sure like all things it will pass. Sooner rather than later for you I hope. Im sure the break will do you good. On behalf of the Irish I apologise for the crazy Irish healer. There is some village in my fair country missing their idiot. The gym is a wonderful idea. I wish you a speedy journey back to your old self.

  8. says

    Natalie–I admire you for writing/sharing this. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

    I want you to know that I loved Turkey before I discovered your blog–then, like Shivya, fell in love with it all over again. You bring the country and its people to life in a way that no other blogger can/does. In fact, this is one of my favorite travel blogs of all!

    I also want to say that I’ve had reiki done several times and it helped me a lot when my energy felt too scattered and not quite right. I’ve also had ‘spiritual’ massages that led to the release of negativity. So even though I’m skeptical about some of this at times, I’ve had enough positive experiences to believe that it can be beneficial.

    I think that taking off from blogging is a great thing to do. I’m sure you’ll feel much better. How nice it will be to focus on taking care of yourself, etc.!

    I wish you the best and am sending positive energy your way. I look forward to seeing what how you’re doing in a month and what’s next for you.

    Be well.
    xo
    Lisa @chickybus wrote about..Gili Meno—the Island Paradise I’m Still Dreaming About (#Photo Essay) #Indonesia #ttot #TravelTuesday

  9. Sally says

    Hi Natalie
    I hope you are feeling better for writing tings down…I’m a great believer in “a trouble shared is a trouble halved”.
    Stay strong girl.
    Take care x

  10. 27johnh says

    Oh Natalie so sorry to hear about your distress. And sorry you can’t find a therapist locally. If you did and if they diagnosed you as depressed these are the first steps they’d recommend: regular exercise (endorphins are good), do small things (recover a sense of achievement albeit small scale to start with), share your feelings with supportive others (your latest brave blog post is brilliant!). I look forward to your excellent posts resuming soon. Take care John

  11. says

    So sorry to read this, Natalie. Your readers will wait. Just concentrate on getting yourself better – it sounds as though you’re on your way to doing that – and everyone will still be here when you get back. Geçmi? olsun.
    Julia and Barry

  12. says

    Like so many have written above, your readers and us want what is best for you Natalie. I hope you find happiness and we will eagerly await your return. I hope so much that you find that light at the end of the tunnel. Very best, Pete and Dalene

  13. says

    Hi Natalie,
    At this point in time it may not mean anything to you, but that is the most compelling blog post I have ever read. I tried writing a few meaningful sentences but they don’t really mean anything, just want to say thanks for this and hope it helps.
    BlogDaz wrote about..Wife’s a Gamble

  14. says

    Everyone needs a break, a vacation, a staycation, call it what you like but we all need to step away from time-to-time and you deserve some time to yourself, to focus on yourself. We’ll still be here when you’re ready to post again.

    Oh! stay away from Googling anything serious for at least a few days. That can easily drive you nuts.
    Maria wrote about..9 Tips for Great Photos from Your Current Camera

  15. says

    Natalie, I am very sorry to hear that you’ve been going through such a dark time in your life. It is good to hear some positive thoughts towards the end of your story. Moving forward is the key. Take as much time as you need. Your readers will always be there. Good luck and I hope you find happiness very soon.

  16. says

    I admire your candor.

    You have already shown great strength and will in that you saw you were within a downward spiral and you’ve taken the steps to pulling yourself out.

    There was nothing forcing you to share this with your followers/passers-by. Yet you did. That is a great step toward opening those positive pathways.

    Fuck Yeah!

  17. says

    It’s rather brave of you to share your thoughts and feelings so candidly with all of your readers. As a blogger though, that assures that you aren’t a shit blogger at all but a real person with real life problems and issues. Enjoy your month off. Your blog and your readers will be here when you get back.
    Kenin Bassart wrote about..Toronto Street Art Photo Tour – Moving Beyond Graffiti

  18. Charlotte says

    best wishes to you. From someone who enjoys your blog :)

  19. says

    Girl, we will so be here. I take a month off all the time, and I don’t even bother to explain. Talk about inconsistent! Feel better soon!! Anything else from a stranger might sound trite, but I’ve been there — from the depression to the aura readings. You need a change, and that doesn’t come easily. Take time.
    Abby wrote about..Daydream of the Week: Istanbul

  20. says

    You are not a shit blogger! That’s some pretty heavy stuff that you’re going through right now. Concentrate on being happy again first and foremost. All the best.

  21. says

    Not a shit blogger, but instead a BRAVE one.

    I understand this darkness and, I hope you find what you’re looking for in your break.
    Chasing the Donkey wrote about..The dark side

  22. says

    Seems like those evil spirits are all over, eh? I’ve been in a deep depression since about April or so. While mine is directly related to an actual physical illness (I was laid off because of it too, so a ton of bricks just came over me), the mental distraught is the same you are feeling.

    In my case, not being able to work was driving me insane. In your case, maybe you worked TOO hard in the past couple months and simply need a break? I hope the month away will help. But if you need anyone to talk to, remember we are here!
    Maria Alexandra @LatinAbroad wrote about..Cueva Ventana Arecibo: Breathtaking Cave with a View in Puerto Rico (PHOTOS)

  23. says

    Hi Natalie. Whoever told you that you were a shitty blogger was a liar. This is one brilliant post. I wish you well and hope that this month off will do wonders for you. Relax and rejuvenate and come all guns blazing. All the best

  24. says

    Life is a cycle and that doesn’t change no matter where you’re living, with who, under what circumstances. There are happy days in jail and miserable birthdays on sailboats in sunny seas. And the cycles never stop- so every time is an opportunity to learn new ways of managing the lows, trusting in the impermanence of them and letting them be part of your life experience.
    And what a great chance when it happens in a new place, when your old systems of coping may be far away…and so you discover reiki, energy work, choosing care based on your intuition.
    I truly wish you a most blessed and awesome healing journey in a country that understands simple, paying attention to the moment, and sharing= all essential in a healing experience. Choose Love and you’ll be fine.
    Laurie http://igg.me/at/the-word-not-spoken -short video- romance in Turkey

  25. says

    I’ve seen you a bit on Twitter and saw you on the Top 50 Travel Blogs for this quarter. Congrats! So you are obviously not a shit blogger! :-) Then, I wondered, where has Natalie been. I’m sorry to hear about all this. I was severely depressed when we first moved to Poland and it seems like it just took time to get out of my funk. Wishing you a speedy recovery! We will be here for you when you return!
    Joy @MyTravelingJoys wrote about..Perhaps Poland’s Smallest Castle in Opinogóra

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