If there were a universal scale of 1 to 10 about how great bloggers are, I would score minus twenty.
The judges would say I am inconsistent and guilty of ignoring my readers.
I admit it; my posts have become shorter and less frequent.
My enthusiasm has disappeared, currently listed as AWOL. My passion and inner strength left my life abruptly and are yet to return.
I would not have dreamed of writing this post a year ago. Life then was frankly shit hot. I travelled, I wrote, ate, slept, gave a high five to the spiritual powers that be and did it again the next month.
I went to Istanbul twice, visited Beypazari, toured the Northeast and Southeast, and then returned to Cappadocia. I also had a close circle of friends and would often join them to mess around on boats and enjoy the summer vibes.
Sounds idyllic, doesn’t it?
So where did it go wrong?
I am not entirely sure. Something changed but I do not know what
My confident Yin and Yang became unbalanced, my life took a nosedive, and my happy go lucky attitude floated off to find someone else more worthy of appreciating what they had.
All positivity was replaced with a dark, heavy cloud that followed me about 24/7. Negativity had invaded my aura and it refused to go away.
Friends noticed the change in me as well.
Apparently, it was hard not to since I was constantly bursting into tears or verbally picking a fight with everyone from the bin man to the bar boy that pissed off my highly charged and sensitive ego.
Each day, I got up, tried to act normal but the same dark cloud was always there.
I made travel plans and cancelled them. Something was telling me to stay close to home.
I spent days on the Internet searching Google to find a medical reason. The only thing I learned is to never search Google if you are ill because when you finish reading about possible causes, symptoms and treatment, you are convinced that death is imminent.
I looked around for therapists but in Turkey, admitting that you are fucked up in the head is not socially acceptable behaviour.
You have to smile, put on a brave face, and rely on heavy medication and Allah to get you through. Neither did much to ease my inner pain and turmoil.
At this point, I was addicted to sleeping tablets and ignoring the “one pill a night” dosage, to instead take four that left me feeling very drowsy the next morning. My attempt to stop using them resulted in staying awake for 56 hours.
Then the inevitable happened. I broke down. I was tired and fed up of fighting the demon that had rudely disrupted my peaceful existence and otherwise perfect life.
Taking a week off work, I shut the door, went to bed, and secretly wished that I would not wake up the next morning.
Imagine my disappointment when I did.
The Spiritual Reading
After accepting that I was not going to miraculously die in my sleep, I decided the next best thing would be to drown my sorrows in alcohol.
So, while I am sat with my friend, sobbing into my beer, she suggests that I see Carol the Irish psychic reader.
Ah, praise the diversity of Turkey that the luck of the Irish would come calling at my door.
I met Carol and she scared the shit out of me. She reminded me of the old English housewives who constantly cursed and would fight any man if they looked at them in a way they didn’t like.
Carol was going to read my aura and hopefully put me on a path of enlightenment. The problem was that she had a broad Irish accent and I could not understand a fucking word she said.
After asking her to speak more slowly and with clarification, she explained the reason for my depression. Apparently, there is a planetary shift between Jupiter, Venus or 1 of those other large balls in space. They are affecting the negativity and positivity balance of life. A war is occurring between good and bad spiritual energies.
So had I crossed to the dark side?
According to Carol, yes I had. I was well and truly entrenched and in my current position, could easily join Darth Vader in blowing up a planet or two.
It was a double whammy though.
You see, not only was I dancing with the devil but also apparently, I could not do anything about it either. The situation was not mine to control.
Carol said this was my destiny and payback because for the last 19 years, I have denied who I really am. I have consistently rejected my beliefs and ignored my needs so that I could adapt to people around me.
Instead, she advised that I accept my spiritual powers to find peace of mind, help people and give out positive energy into the universe.
The single thought running through my head was…
“What the fucking hell are you talking about woman?
I can barely get out of bed in the morning but you want me to skip and dance, send out good vibes into the universe and forgive Satan for all his evil! “
I left, met my friend and this time, she suggested that a full day of pampering would help.
Reiki and Deep Trances
So, at a nearby five star hotel, I bought the seaweed wrap, skin care routine and a full body massage and Turkish bath.
Then something caught my eye.
The advert said “Reiki – Useful in times of depression and emotional stress”
I felt compiled to sign up for it and the next day, met the Reiki master who was going to perform the ritual.
Her name was Dawn and she explained it as spiritual healing, which in my thoughts translated to
“I am going to do a mind fuck on you and take your money at the same time”
After assuring me that it would not result in a hysterical and emotional breakdown, I laid down on the massage bed. The lights were dimmed down and soft music was playing in the background. The smell of incense sticks filled the air.
After saying the Lord’s Prayer, Dawn moved her hands to be around my head, not completely touching it. I felt a warming vibe from them and for the first time in ages, actually felt sleepy.
She moved her hands to hover above my chest. I am not sure entirely sure what happened next but it felt like a rush of energy surging upward out of my chest. I took a deep breath and heard loud crying. It was me. I could not stop. Tears were pouring down my face and I leaned over the side of the bed, coughing and spluttering with feelings of nausea.
After managing to calm down, Dawn told me that I was full of negative energy. Someone had put a curse on me and I needed to start fighting back.
I was quite prepared to fight if it meant signing up for another session. That trance was better than alcohol or any hard-core drug.
I had five more sessions with varying success and disappointment. In one, I felt a heavy weight on my chest. I wondered if Dawn was pressing down on me with her hands but it felt more like a brick. It was uncomfortable and I opened my eyes to see what it was. There was nothing there. Dawn was at the other side of the room.
In the next session, I felt a spiritual force join my trance. She was an old lady standing beside me. She was stroking my hand, which was placed palm down on the bed.
For the first time in months, I felt encouragement and love.
Thinking this was a turning point, I went to the next session full of optimism and looking forward to my mind-blowing trance. I did not give a shit how or why they happened and was just enjoying the opportunity to leave the Earth in mind and soul. To break out of my crumbling and despondent body to reach a higher level.
Unfortunately, it was a bad session. A young, mischievous boy came into the trance. He was pulling at my toes and laughing. I felt evil engulfing me and it was pulling at my hand, begging me to follow. I did not want to go and started pulling back, only for my hand to be covered in pins and needles.
So What Happens Now?
I have finished my Reiki sessions. While I do not feel happy, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I never wanted to come down this path in life but circumstances and events made it happen, so I am guessing there is some higher spiritual force. I just have to make sure they are on my side in the future.
Therefore, that brings me to you, the reader
- I apologise for being a shit blogger.
- I apologise for not answering your emails
- I am sorry for my lack of consistency.
What I am asking from you is time
I am taking the next month off. I have a plan of action including dental work, gym membership, a new wardrobe, and a trip to the hairdressers.
In a month, I will come back to this blog and publish all those articles sitting on my laptop but more importantly, I plan to return with passion and dedication.
Just like, I used to have.
I hope that you the reader, will still be here.